...I grew accustomed to not having a face

I remember long ago, when I was still living in Japan, I had a weird, yet enlightening, conversation with some Japanese girl I met at school. It started when she leaned pretty close to me and stared at my face for a long time. I was understandably weirded out and wanted to ask her what that was all about, when she asked me in a tone resembling abject horror:

'No make-up?!!!' 

Okay, rude. She was right, of course - I wasn't wearing any make-up - but she didn't have to sound this horrified. She herself was apparently also not wearing much make-up, but since half of her face was covered with a mask, it was difficult to tell. I still didn't understand where all of this judgement was coming from, so I tried to defend myself.

'Well, yeah... I rarely use make-up and it's so hot today that it would just run off...' 

That was also true. It was really hot that day, but it had nothing to do with me wearing or not wearing make-up. I've always felt I had poor make-up skills, so I don't see a reason to bother with it. Still, the fact that this girl pointed it out with such shock, was kind of annoying and I felt strangely insulted. Was she trying to insinuate I needed make-up? That I shouldn't have been out and about with my face so bare and... face-y? 

'No, that is surprising. You have good skin!' the girl tried to explain her previous horror (or surprise), 'Here it's common to always wear make-up. I put on make-up almost every day.'

'Every day? Doesn't that get annoying?' I asked, still sceptical of her explanation. 

'Not really, but some days when I don't feel like make-up or I have a bad skin day, I just put a mask on.'

Huh... well, that sounded... pretty smart. I had previously thought that masks were only for when you felt sick and wanted to keep everyone else safe, but using it to cover up a lack of make-up or blemishes or zits... man, that sounded great! Imagine waking up one morning and realizing that your face had decided to start growing a backup nose in the middle of the night. Sure, you could try to cover it up with concealer, but you can still see the outline of the hideous thing and you know it's there. It's gonna drive you crazy! But there is another way! You can just put a mask on and hide it from the world! None will be the wiser and you can act as if you're doing something noble by keeping others safe from your nasty germs. I liked that idea. 

So when the whole 'mask debate' made its way to Estonia, I was somewhat confused. Okay, I get that some people question whether masks are effective in slowing the spread of the disease and whether they keep us safe, but... why not just wear them? Oh, it's hard to breathe? Well, it's hard to walk in high heels, but we still do it. It's difficult to move in tight jeans, but we seem to manage. It's super awkward to hold small objects in your hand while wearing gloves, but if the weather is cold and we need to find our keys we somehow manage to do it without whining about it! Besides, masks have so many more positive aspects to them than just keeping us safe from the virus.

Sitting through a boring lecture or conversation and want to yawn? If you have a mask on you can do so discreetly. The nice old neighbour lady, who you've been helping out, turns out to be a raging homophobe who is lamenting the fact she can't go to any torch rallies to protest the gays? Well, now you can discreetly pull a face and look upon her with disgust without her even noticing! Just wear a mask! Bad skin day? Mask! No time to put on make-up in the morning? Mask! Nose hair getting too long? Mask! Roommate drew a dick on your face? Mask! 

So, so many options! So many positives to wearing a mask! Whenever I have to deal with a garlic loving patient, I thank the universe that I can wear a mask. Sure, I still know they stink of garlic, but I can barely smell it. Same with chainsmokers and people with... hygene issues. Even if I do smell them, they can't see the face I'm making so it's all very civil. And whenever a patient starts talking about how they went to see a chiropractor who 'pulled their legs into place' and 'pushed their spine straight', I can stare at them with all the disappointment and incredulity I can muster and they can't even see it. 

'But it's still difficult to breathe!'

Yeah, but you can still do it. A difficulty to breathe isn't the same as being breathless or suffocating. Yes, it feels uncomfortable, but we can handle a little bit of discomfort on a daily basis. My work pants threaten to rip every time I show my patient how to do squats and make me paranoid about the visibility of my underwear, but I still wear them. Because I have to! Because going pantsless in this weather isn't an option! At some point you have to realize that a small amount of discomfort is something that you can get used to in no time. Hell, I'm barely aware I'm even wearing a mask at work on most days. The joy of having half of my face covered and being able to yawn and grimace discreetly far makes up for the fact that I have a hard time breathing. Hey, breathing is for suckers anyway. 

Not to mention that there's something strangely comforting in the anonymity provided by wearing a mask. Maybe it's a me thing, but I somewhat enjoy the fact that a lot of my patients don't know what I really look like. That way, if I ever run into any of them on the street, they might think they recognize me, but they'll never know for sure. And thus they're less likely to strike up a conversation, which works just fine for me, because I turn into an antisocial hermit as soon as I leave work. Wait, that's redundant, isn't it? 'Antisocial hermit'? It's not like hermits are known for their wild social lives... But I digress... I also find that wearing a mask makes things more interesting for everyone. As long as we can't see each other's faces, we can let our fantasies go wild. Does my patient have a mustache? Don't know, but I can imagine she does. Is there something funky going on with that person's nose? Maybe, he certainly sounds like it. Is that person actually an alien with mandibles in stead of a mouth? Hey, anything is possible! I can certainly see that person with mandibles. 

'But I like seeing other people's faces! And I like my face!' I hear you protest.

Do you? Do you, really? Have you looked into the mirror recently? I'm not trying to insinuate anything, but can you really claim that people are missing out if they can't see your face? That sounds kinda narcissistic, doesn't it? Point is, nothing has really changed just because we've started wearing masks. It has been a norm in many countries for ages now and they're still thriving. Society won't collapse just because you need to cover your face. You can handle a little bit of discomfort. And as for me, I have begun to enjoy going faceless. In a way, it gives you more freedom than one might think - you're free to express yourself without fear of judgement and free to imagine whatever you want there to be under the mask. And hey, at least I won't have strange girls coming up to me going 'No make-up???????!!!!!' anymore. Still think it was rude...

...I realized 2020 was over

So, how was last year for you guys? I know, I know, you probably don't want to talk about it. Yeah, me neither... but I am going to. Why? Because I can. Don't question it. I don't have a cat to talk to so I have to bother random people on the internet. 

These past few weeks I've taken some time to myself and went over everything that happened in 2020 and it's been... weird. I know everyone says that 2020 screwed with their perception of time, but I didn't realize how much so until I started taking inventory of all the major events in my life. Some say that it felt like 2020 passed extremely quickly due to the fact that we had to quarantine for several months. Others say that it seemed to last for decades. I certainly belong into the latter group. 

Can you believe that this time last year (and I'm thinking of January 2020, for those reading this god knows when) I was still working in Viljandi? I had three different jobs in 2020. Three! In a year where a lot of people had 0 jobs! No, I'm not bragging here. If anything, it is a testament for my extreme aversion to commitment. Honestly, I didn't plan on switching jobs that often, it just sort of happened. 

I left Viljandi because the drive there and back again proved to be too much for my already sleep deprived brain and I needed to feel like a human being again. I know that for most people, an hour long commute doesn't sound particularly horrible, but I'm Estonian so anything that's further away than a 5 minute drive is far. Also, I'm old and tired and need my beauty sleep. Losing two hours of my life every day just to drive to work was too much. 

'But why didn't you just move to Viljandi?' I hear you ask.

Well, why don't you move to Viljandi if you like it so much?! Sorry, I don't mean to be... mean - it just tends to happen on its own. I even thought about moving to Viljandi a couple of times. I did! But I really, really love my apartment. And I like Tartu. And the thought of seeing my patients whenever I go to the store or for a walk or to the movies just seems kind of... creepy. I'm a private person (she says as she literally writes down her life experiences for everyone to see and read) and the thought of my patients knowing everything I'm up to is claustrophobic in a way.

So, with a heavy heart, I left Viljandi. It wasn't an easy decision, because I'd grown to like the people and environment there, but it had to be made. I got a new job in Tartu, doing basically the same work I did in Viljandi, only with 50% less children. I was content. Everything was fine. Life was... well, if not good then certainly okay. 

Now, before I go on to discuss the whole pandemic thing, there were also a few good things that happened in 2020. Remember my lamp issue? That whole saga that started with me tearing down my lamp and then trying to find someone to fix it (on Tinder)? Well, I did get it fixed. Did I hire someone to do it? Nope. I found a guy on Tinder! So if any of you think it was a stupid idea to look for a handyman on a dating app, joke's on you! I found a handyman, he did fix my lamp (took him like 10 minutes max) and all I had to do was listen to him talk about his depression for like an hour afterwards. Hey, at least I didn't have to pay him and it's not like I had anything better to do. That was like a week before the pandemic hit and we were all stuck at home. 

Quarantine was... not super bad. I did manage to get sick at the beginning of it - a common cold that had nothing to do with the virus going around, but since things were quite tense, I decided to take a few weeks off. It was weird, sitting at home, unable to go outside, watching a bunch of geriatric hooligans hanging out in the park behind my apartment building, smoking and drinking and having fun. Okay, so maybe they weren't smoking and maybe they weren't exactly hooligans, but it was still strange to see really, really old people - people who looked like they'd probably seen the Titanic sink - spending time outdoors in a time where everyone else was stuck inside. It's like they didn't even care there was a pandemic going on! They probably didn't though. My grandparents are the same way. I guess once you reach a certain age, you're not going to let anything stop you from trying to enjoy the few years you have left in this world. 

During quarantine I managed to find a new job quite unexpectedly. A stroke-centered project needed a physio to do home visits and since I had experience with stoke (and am in constant danger of getting one due to the anger issues I so desperately try to ignore) and had a car, I was a good candidate. Before I knew, I had already promised to collaborate with them and thus switched jobs again (kind of). A part of me stayed behind in my previous job, but only the psych part. 

Summer came and went. I didn't do anything overly exciting or noteworthy, because the world was still in a weird place and I decided it best to refrain from traveling. A difficult decision, to be sure, because traveling is as much a part of my life as writing and cooking. Meaning I do it occasionally, when I feel like it, but not like... all the time... although I want to... but it's just not a good time right now and I'm not feeling it... but I totally should do it soon and I'm totally gonna, just... not right now? No, but I really feel the strain the lack of travel has put on me. I feel restless, uneasy and anxious... and stuck. There's nothing really 'wrong' in my life, but I just feel like I need a breather. Just a moment for myself, far from home, in a completely new environment. 

'But you can travel around Estonia! There's so much to see here!' I hear you say optimistically.

Yeah, well, I can also put on a bikini and climb into the bathtub, but it still won't be the same as spending a day at the beach. I'm not saying Estonia is somehow lacking or uninteresting. I love Estonia. There is so much to discover here. And I did do a lot of traveling around the country during Summer. I did find places that I'd never even heard of before and that were beautiful and interesting and simply magical... But the point of traveling is to get away, isn't it? Sure, I love discovering new and interesting places in Estonia, but at the end of the day there's this little voice in the back of my head that goes:

'This is neat! Isn't it great that there's a place like this so close to home... and work... you remember work, right? You have to go back on Monday... Just sayin...' 

The point I'm trying to make is: I miss traveling. I miss the feeling of getting away from the routine and obligations of my everyday life. I just went over my pictures the other day and came to the disturbing realization that I haven't been anywhere since December 2019! It's 2021!  What have I been doing with my life?! Oh, right, working... 

Oh yeah, and I also turned 30... 

What can I say about turning 30?

Did I have an existential crisis after reaching a new decade? I guess so. The entire year was just one crisis after another so I didn't have that much time to spend on my 'Oh no, I'm old!!!' crisis. Most days I don't feel old. Most days I still feel like I'm in my mid-twenties, drifting through life aimlessly, just trying to make the most of it... And then I get out of bed and there's this loud *CRACK* in my lower back that makes me hobble like the bellringer of Notre Dame for at least fifteen minutes while trying to get my morning caffeine fix. Sometimes I forget things. Like putting coffee into my coffee maker, resulting in a cup of hot water. 0/10, would not recommend. Sometimes I struggle to keep myself awake watching an award-winning historical drama that is widely praised, simply because I have the attention span of a cocaine hippo and the energy of a narcoleptic sloth. But hey, at least I have stopped caring about what people think about me, so that's good, I guess. I go to the store in sweatpants and my ugliest coat, looking like a complete hobo, and I couldn't care less. I am openly weird about most things, just because it's who I am and I am kind of sick of pretending I'm normal. The other day a handyman came over to fix some electrical outlet thingy in my bathroom ceiling (a real handyman this time), and I didn't even bother to make my apartment look presentable. I don't owe him anything! And honestly, it's not my problem if his socks get covered in glitter (don't ask why my floor is covered in glitter, it's not an interesting story). So yeah, 30 has it's charms. Yes, most things hurt and I feel like people expect me to start acting... well, my age... but the good news is that I seriously don't care anymore. 

It's none of my business what other people think of me. 

In conclusion: 2020 was... something... but I should consider myself lucky. Somehow I managed to avoid the worst of it, keep myself busy and be somewhat useful. Did I enjoy the year? Nope, not really. I spent most of it being either worried or angry or both. But I was fine. I was good. I stayed healthy and tried to be there for people who needed me. And hey, things can only get better, right? Right?! Please tell me they're going to get better... If I have to get through another year of not traveling and being stuck at home, I'm probably going to snap and adopt an otter or something... become the crazy otter lady of the neighborhood. And nobody wants to be around that. Although otters are kind of cute...