So, how was last year for you guys? I know, I know, you probably don't want to talk about it. Yeah, me neither... but I am going to. Why? Because I can. Don't question it. I don't have a cat to talk to so I have to bother random people on the internet.
These past few weeks I've taken some time to myself and went over everything that happened in 2020 and it's been... weird. I know everyone says that 2020 screwed with their perception of time, but I didn't realize how much so until I started taking inventory of all the major events in my life. Some say that it felt like 2020 passed extremely quickly due to the fact that we had to quarantine for several months. Others say that it seemed to last for decades. I certainly belong into the latter group.
Can you believe that this time last year (and I'm thinking of January 2020, for those reading this god knows when) I was still working in Viljandi? I had three different jobs in 2020. Three! In a year where a lot of people had 0 jobs! No, I'm not bragging here. If anything, it is a testament for my extreme aversion to commitment. Honestly, I didn't plan on switching jobs that often, it just sort of happened.
I left Viljandi because the drive there and back again proved to be too much for my already sleep deprived brain and I needed to feel like a human being again. I know that for most people, an hour long commute doesn't sound particularly horrible, but I'm Estonian so anything that's further away than a 5 minute drive is far. Also, I'm old and tired and need my beauty sleep. Losing two hours of my life every day just to drive to work was too much.
'But why didn't you just move to Viljandi?' I hear you ask.
Well, why don't you move to Viljandi if you like it so much?! Sorry, I don't mean to be... mean - it just tends to happen on its own. I even thought about moving to Viljandi a couple of times. I did! But I really, really love my apartment. And I like Tartu. And the thought of seeing my patients whenever I go to the store or for a walk or to the movies just seems kind of... creepy. I'm a private person (she says as she literally writes down her life experiences for everyone to see and read) and the thought of my patients knowing everything I'm up to is claustrophobic in a way.
So, with a heavy heart, I left Viljandi. It wasn't an easy decision, because I'd grown to like the people and environment there, but it had to be made. I got a new job in Tartu, doing basically the same work I did in Viljandi, only with 50% less children. I was content. Everything was fine. Life was... well, if not good then certainly okay.
Now, before I go on to discuss the whole pandemic thing, there were also a few good things that happened in 2020. Remember my lamp issue? That whole saga that started with me tearing down my lamp and then trying to find someone to fix it (on Tinder)? Well, I did get it fixed. Did I hire someone to do it? Nope. I found a guy on Tinder! So if any of you think it was a stupid idea to look for a handyman on a dating app, joke's on you! I found a handyman, he did fix my lamp (took him like 10 minutes max) and all I had to do was listen to him talk about his depression for like an hour afterwards. Hey, at least I didn't have to pay him and it's not like I had anything better to do. That was like a week before the pandemic hit and we were all stuck at home.
Quarantine was... not super bad. I did manage to get sick at the beginning of it - a common cold that had nothing to do with the virus going around, but since things were quite tense, I decided to take a few weeks off. It was weird, sitting at home, unable to go outside, watching a bunch of geriatric hooligans hanging out in the park behind my apartment building, smoking and drinking and having fun. Okay, so maybe they weren't smoking and maybe they weren't exactly hooligans, but it was still strange to see really, really old people - people who looked like they'd probably seen the Titanic sink - spending time outdoors in a time where everyone else was stuck inside. It's like they didn't even care there was a pandemic going on! They probably didn't though. My grandparents are the same way. I guess once you reach a certain age, you're not going to let anything stop you from trying to enjoy the few years you have left in this world.
During quarantine I managed to find a new job quite unexpectedly. A stroke-centered project needed a physio to do home visits and since I had experience with stoke (and am in constant danger of getting one due to the anger issues I so desperately try to ignore) and had a car, I was a good candidate. Before I knew, I had already promised to collaborate with them and thus switched jobs again (kind of). A part of me stayed behind in my previous job, but only the psych part.
Summer came and went. I didn't do anything overly exciting or noteworthy, because the world was still in a weird place and I decided it best to refrain from traveling. A difficult decision, to be sure, because traveling is as much a part of my life as writing and cooking. Meaning I do it occasionally, when I feel like it, but not like... all the time... although I want to... but it's just not a good time right now and I'm not feeling it... but I totally should do it soon and I'm totally gonna, just... not right now? No, but I really feel the strain the lack of travel has put on me. I feel restless, uneasy and anxious... and stuck. There's nothing really 'wrong' in my life, but I just feel like I need a breather. Just a moment for myself, far from home, in a completely new environment.
'But you can travel around Estonia! There's so much to see here!' I hear you say optimistically.
Yeah, well, I can also put on a bikini and climb into the bathtub, but it still won't be the same as spending a day at the beach. I'm not saying Estonia is somehow lacking or uninteresting. I love Estonia. There is so much to discover here. And I did do a lot of traveling around the country during Summer. I did find places that I'd never even heard of before and that were beautiful and interesting and simply magical... But the point of traveling is to get away, isn't it? Sure, I love discovering new and interesting places in Estonia, but at the end of the day there's this little voice in the back of my head that goes:
'This is neat! Isn't it great that there's a place like this so close to home... and work... you remember work, right? You have to go back on Monday... Just sayin...'
The point I'm trying to make is: I miss traveling. I miss the feeling of getting away from the routine and obligations of my everyday life. I just went over my pictures the other day and came to the disturbing realization that I haven't been anywhere since December 2019! It's 2021! What have I been doing with my life?! Oh, right, working...
Oh yeah, and I also turned 30...
What can I say about turning 30?
Did I have an existential crisis after reaching a new decade? I guess so. The entire year was just one crisis after another so I didn't have that much time to spend on my 'Oh no, I'm old!!!' crisis. Most days I don't feel old. Most days I still feel like I'm in my mid-twenties, drifting through life aimlessly, just trying to make the most of it... And then I get out of bed and there's this loud *CRACK* in my lower back that makes me hobble like the bellringer of Notre Dame for at least fifteen minutes while trying to get my morning caffeine fix. Sometimes I forget things. Like putting coffee into my coffee maker, resulting in a cup of hot water. 0/10, would not recommend. Sometimes I struggle to keep myself awake watching an award-winning historical drama that is widely praised, simply because I have the attention span of a cocaine hippo and the energy of a narcoleptic sloth. But hey, at least I have stopped caring about what people think about me, so that's good, I guess. I go to the store in sweatpants and my ugliest coat, looking like a complete hobo, and I couldn't care less. I am openly weird about most things, just because it's who I am and I am kind of sick of pretending I'm normal. The other day a handyman came over to fix some electrical outlet thingy in my bathroom ceiling (a real handyman this time), and I didn't even bother to make my apartment look presentable. I don't owe him anything! And honestly, it's not my problem if his socks get covered in glitter (don't ask why my floor is covered in glitter, it's not an interesting story). So yeah, 30 has it's charms. Yes, most things hurt and I feel like people expect me to start acting... well, my age... but the good news is that I seriously don't care anymore.
It's none of my business what other people think of me.
In conclusion: 2020 was... something... but I should consider myself lucky. Somehow I managed to avoid the worst of it, keep myself busy and be somewhat useful. Did I enjoy the year? Nope, not really. I spent most of it being either worried or angry or both. But I was fine. I was good. I stayed healthy and tried to be there for people who needed me. And hey, things can only get better, right? Right?! Please tell me they're going to get better... If I have to get through another year of not traveling and being stuck at home, I'm probably going to snap and adopt an otter or something... become the crazy otter lady of the neighborhood. And nobody wants to be around that. Although otters are kind of cute...
