There are days I feel like a zombie at work... like nothing is going right and I'm just a huge failure as a physio... And then there are days when I feel like punching the air and going 'YEEEEEEAH!' and doing a little victory dance and maybe a back flip. Today was one of those days. I'm probably not making much sense but just trust me when I say that today has been a good day. One of my patients, who until now made little to no progress, started walking today and I can't even describe how happy it makes me. Sure, he needs a crutch and I have to support him a bit but he's finally walking! And I feel like all the work we did is finally paying off.
Sorry for the long introduction by the way, I just needed the world to know how happy I am. The thing I really wanted to talk about is one of the worst years of my life (so far). I know, with this utterly positive introduction it's hard to believe I'm going to talk about something so dark but just stick with me for a little while and it'll all become clear.
This is the story of how I started studying physiotherapy (or physical therapy for all you Americans out there... even though those two things aren't exactly the same...).
The year was... uh... 2012, I think. I had just gotten my BA in psychology and I even got accepted to the Master's program. Only problem was that I didn't know if that's what I wanted to do for the rest of my life. I liked psychology but... There was always that 'but'. I felt like I wanted to do something more... practical? physical? I don't know. I was kind of lost and didn't know where to go. It was also the year I first went to Japan - for two months as a volunteer - and I've already talked about how lost and confused I was during that period.
The decision to start studying physiotherapy was honestly just a spur of the moment thing. Whenever anyone asks me why I chose physiotherapy I answer that I wanted to do something practical, something where I could actually see the results of my work and so on... Honestly, as I was making the decision I wasn't even thinking about those things. It was the last day to send applications, I was in Japan and I knew I could study for free - so I enrolled in the program. I hardly had any idea what a physio actually does, I just knew I didn't want to become a nurse or a health inspector or anything like that. It was one of the biggest but least planned out decisions of my life and I wasn't even sure why I was doing it. So yeah, that's the horrible truth: I never actually planned to become a physiotherapist.
Funny, how sometimes the road you take blindly is the one you're meant to walk on.
The first year (minus one month) of my studies was the worst in recent memory. I was positively miserable. I truly hated every moment of it. See, back when I was in high school I didn't have to work very hard to get good grades. I just kind of breezed through high school without putting any actual effort into it. University was a bit more difficult but most exams were multiple choice tests so even that wasn't too bad. Physiotherapy however was another matter. For the first time in my life I actually needed to work hard to achieve something and I was not used to it. For the first time I had to stay up all night studying, had to revise something over and over again only to forget it a moment later, for the first time I actually failed an exam... and it was horrible!
What made the first semester even harder was the fact that I felt like an outsider. I had just come back from Japan and a part of my soul was still there. Also, since I'd missed the first few weeks of school I didn't know any of my new schoolmates. I felt like they'd all formed groups already, hanging out and going to lunch together and I was kind of the odd man out. I'm a hopeless introvert so trying to make new friends is always difficult for me - that's why I barely talked to any of my fellow students for most of the first (and even second) semester. My heart was still pulling me toward Japan and I just felt that I'd made the worst mistake ever coming back to Estonia.
So, in a nutshell: I was unhappy with where I was, struggling in school, barely talking to any of my peers and longing for something I'd already lost. It was a bad time. I was certain physiotherapy was not for me and I'd made a mistake choosing to study it. Also, it was cold all the time. I was pretty bad off, especially during the Fall. I was constantly tired, stressed beyond belief and just really, really unhappy with the way things were. There were days I would go to school, come back and just crawl into bed, only emerging to go to the bathroom or get some food. I was just not feeling it anymore ('it' being everything). Yup, it was definitely one of the worst years of my life... or at least half a year.
'Why didn't you quit your studies then?'
Because that's just not who I am. I'd made my bed and had to sleep in it. Sure, I wanted to quit. I really did, but it felt wrong. I knew it would make me feel like even bigger a failure. Still, by the time February rolled along I was so ready to bolt that I was looking for any way out of my situation... and that's when I stumbled upon the exchange program that would eventually lead me to Japan again. So yeah, my decision to go study in Japan was made because I was just not feeling living in Estonia anymore. But that is kind of another story. Anyway, for most of my first year of my physiotherapy studies I was miserable as all hell... Didn't help that I got a job in a bar and had to work nights. The only thing it did was make me so tired that I didn't have energy to think about how I was failing in life.
And then it was May.
May marked the start of my first internship. We had to do them every year in different places - we got to follow a physio around and try our hand as a physio. The first internship lasted for a month: two weeks were dedicated to children's physiotherapy and two weeks for adults. For my first two weeks I was working in a children's ward. Now, anyone who knows me knows that I can't stand children. I just can't stand them and try to avoid them as much as I can. Those two weeks didn't change my attitude toward children... but it did change my attitude toward physiotherapy.
Even though I wasn't doing much, even though I was only a student, even though I had been miserable for most of the year - despite all of that I suddenly felt... alive. I finally saw what being a physio was really like and I felt like this was what I was looking for. Even though I'd made the decision to study it for all the wrong reasons I had chosen something that in the end made me feel... useful and needed and just... happy.
Not gonna lie, during the next two years of studying there were times I wanted to bang my head against a wall just because what was going on in school but at least now I knew why I was doing this. I knew where I was headed and that helped me get through exams, long days in school and everything else that used to bring me down. It wasn't all fun and games and even the internships weren't all equally great. But I finally knew that this was what I wanted to do. It sounds corny but I just wanted to be useful. To... uh... make a difference, however small. Yeah, that does sound corny so I'm gonna move on.
Fast forward three years and I'm finally working as a physio. The road here has been long and hard but I'm here and I'm happy. It's what I've been looking for. Sure, it's not always rainbows and sunshine. There are bad days. Then there are horrible days. There are days I feel like a complete failure... And then there are days that make it all go away and make me feel like a million bucks. See, I know that I'm no Mother Theresa and most days I'm barely making a difference but it doesn't matter. However small that difference is, even if I make just one person feel a bit more confident walking down the street, I already feel like I've done something that matters. And I can't even explain how amazing it feels when you see a person, who's this far been in a wheelchair, take their first steps with you. Even if those steps are small and unsteady and it looks like they're about to fall down any moment - even then it's a huge thing. Especially when you see that person's eyes light up as they're finally walking on their own. Any time someone says 'I never thought I'd be able to do that' I'm reminded why I chose to stick with this profession. Some days I really, really love my job. And some days I love it a little bit less - but I still love it.
Sure, I'm young and haven't been working for long. Who knows, in a year I might feel differently. In five years I might feel jaded. But right now I love it. I get to work with people and at least try to improve their lives. It doesn't always work but when it does it feels amazing. And the people... I've met some of the nicest most amazing people during my short time working as a physio. Okay, some of them are hard to deal with. There are those who aren't even sure why they've come to get therapy ('I dunno, my wife made me come') and there are those who don't care about changing anything ('Why should I bother with walking? My wife pushes me around in my wheelchair and I don't want to go out') and there are even those that become hysterical by the mere thought of walking. There are those who have already lost all hope and those who hope for miracles (and expect you to deliver). But that all goes away when you get that one patient who just brightens up your day, either because of their personality or because they achieve something they never thought possible. That one day you get a patient to walk or go up a flight of stairs makes all the bad days seem like a distant memory - like it never happened. It's those days that make me love my job. And as for the bad days, I guess they exist so I could learn from them.
So, to sum it up: I made a choice for all the wrong reasons and it turned out to be one of the best choices I've ever made. This 'worst year of my life' lead me to so many wonderful things. It was the year I was most miserable but also the year I made the right choice concerning my future and the year I decided to go to Japan to study (which was one of the most amazing experiences of my life). I guess what I'm trying to say is that sometimes something that felt completely wrong in the beginning might turn out to be exactly what you need, you just need to fight through the bad stuff and keep going. I guess that first year was like climbing a monstrous mountain: it was excruciating, hellish and there were times I thought it would kill me but once I reached the top and saw the view it was all worth it. Yeah, I'm happy I didn't quit halfway through. I guess sometimes clouds do have a silver lining.
Also, one of the reasons I love my job is the view. I just can't get enough of it.
Because that's just not who I am. I'd made my bed and had to sleep in it. Sure, I wanted to quit. I really did, but it felt wrong. I knew it would make me feel like even bigger a failure. Still, by the time February rolled along I was so ready to bolt that I was looking for any way out of my situation... and that's when I stumbled upon the exchange program that would eventually lead me to Japan again. So yeah, my decision to go study in Japan was made because I was just not feeling living in Estonia anymore. But that is kind of another story. Anyway, for most of my first year of my physiotherapy studies I was miserable as all hell... Didn't help that I got a job in a bar and had to work nights. The only thing it did was make me so tired that I didn't have energy to think about how I was failing in life.
And then it was May.
May marked the start of my first internship. We had to do them every year in different places - we got to follow a physio around and try our hand as a physio. The first internship lasted for a month: two weeks were dedicated to children's physiotherapy and two weeks for adults. For my first two weeks I was working in a children's ward. Now, anyone who knows me knows that I can't stand children. I just can't stand them and try to avoid them as much as I can. Those two weeks didn't change my attitude toward children... but it did change my attitude toward physiotherapy.
Even though I wasn't doing much, even though I was only a student, even though I had been miserable for most of the year - despite all of that I suddenly felt... alive. I finally saw what being a physio was really like and I felt like this was what I was looking for. Even though I'd made the decision to study it for all the wrong reasons I had chosen something that in the end made me feel... useful and needed and just... happy.
Not gonna lie, during the next two years of studying there were times I wanted to bang my head against a wall just because what was going on in school but at least now I knew why I was doing this. I knew where I was headed and that helped me get through exams, long days in school and everything else that used to bring me down. It wasn't all fun and games and even the internships weren't all equally great. But I finally knew that this was what I wanted to do. It sounds corny but I just wanted to be useful. To... uh... make a difference, however small. Yeah, that does sound corny so I'm gonna move on.Fast forward three years and I'm finally working as a physio. The road here has been long and hard but I'm here and I'm happy. It's what I've been looking for. Sure, it's not always rainbows and sunshine. There are bad days. Then there are horrible days. There are days I feel like a complete failure... And then there are days that make it all go away and make me feel like a million bucks. See, I know that I'm no Mother Theresa and most days I'm barely making a difference but it doesn't matter. However small that difference is, even if I make just one person feel a bit more confident walking down the street, I already feel like I've done something that matters. And I can't even explain how amazing it feels when you see a person, who's this far been in a wheelchair, take their first steps with you. Even if those steps are small and unsteady and it looks like they're about to fall down any moment - even then it's a huge thing. Especially when you see that person's eyes light up as they're finally walking on their own. Any time someone says 'I never thought I'd be able to do that' I'm reminded why I chose to stick with this profession. Some days I really, really love my job. And some days I love it a little bit less - but I still love it.
Sure, I'm young and haven't been working for long. Who knows, in a year I might feel differently. In five years I might feel jaded. But right now I love it. I get to work with people and at least try to improve their lives. It doesn't always work but when it does it feels amazing. And the people... I've met some of the nicest most amazing people during my short time working as a physio. Okay, some of them are hard to deal with. There are those who aren't even sure why they've come to get therapy ('I dunno, my wife made me come') and there are those who don't care about changing anything ('Why should I bother with walking? My wife pushes me around in my wheelchair and I don't want to go out') and there are even those that become hysterical by the mere thought of walking. There are those who have already lost all hope and those who hope for miracles (and expect you to deliver). But that all goes away when you get that one patient who just brightens up your day, either because of their personality or because they achieve something they never thought possible. That one day you get a patient to walk or go up a flight of stairs makes all the bad days seem like a distant memory - like it never happened. It's those days that make me love my job. And as for the bad days, I guess they exist so I could learn from them.
So, to sum it up: I made a choice for all the wrong reasons and it turned out to be one of the best choices I've ever made. This 'worst year of my life' lead me to so many wonderful things. It was the year I was most miserable but also the year I made the right choice concerning my future and the year I decided to go to Japan to study (which was one of the most amazing experiences of my life). I guess what I'm trying to say is that sometimes something that felt completely wrong in the beginning might turn out to be exactly what you need, you just need to fight through the bad stuff and keep going. I guess that first year was like climbing a monstrous mountain: it was excruciating, hellish and there were times I thought it would kill me but once I reached the top and saw the view it was all worth it. Yeah, I'm happy I didn't quit halfway through. I guess sometimes clouds do have a silver lining.Also, one of the reasons I love my job is the view. I just can't get enough of it.
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