I got my driver's licence right before graduating from High School (technically). The year was 2009 (I think) and I barely made it. No, seriously. During the final exam there was a moment when the guy next to me turned to me and said: 'You know you could have killed us right now, had you moved even an inch further'. Yes, I knew. I also knew that I was a horrible driver. So how did I get my licence? Well, I had had a pretty bad cold a few days before the exam and when he was lecturing me on how reckless I'd been I couldn't help sniffling a bit. My eyes were also red and a bit puffy so I probably looked like I could start crying any moment now. I didn't feel like it - sure, flunking would've been bad but it wasn't going to kill me (reckless driving might probably do that) - but he didn't know that. I think he just felt sorry for me. Or maybe he was tired. In any case, he let me pass and I got my licence.
Did I have a car, though? Nope. Both my parents did but they drove automatics. I'd learnt to drive stick. But hey, it was easier to switch to an automatic. Not that I had many chances to go driving. Long story short: for eight years I basically avoided driving, doing it only a few times a year and even then I kind of sucked at it. I really, really hated driving. It just made me feel nervous and insecure and stressed out. So it was no wonder that when my parents told me at the beginning of Summer that I had to re-learn how to drive stick-shift, I was less than happy. I was downright terrified. Were they insane?! I could barely drive an automatic, let alone a stick-shift... But then again, I really needed a car and the only one available to me was a stick shift...
So one weekend my dad came over and promised to teach me to drive. It would be my first time driving stick-shift again since the day I got my licence... eight years ago. What could go wrong! Some say that it's like riding a bike: you never really forget how to do it. I wouldn't know. All I know that as I got behind the wheel and got everything ready I felt more than rusty. I knew that I should know how to do this but... my body was not used to three pedals... What was that third one called? A clutch? Ugh, what a stupid name for a stupid thing.
Honestly, learning to drive again kind of felt like my first days on the job. I knew I should've been able to do it. I had studied it before... And everyone else made it look so easy. In theory I knew everything I needed to do. But in practice... I was clueless. All the time I was driving my mind was going: 'Am I doing this right? I'm not, am I? I'm going to get myself killed. Why am I even doing this? Do people even realize how inept I am at this?' But nobody did. Or at least they didn't say so. My dad even told me I was learning fast... but then again, he is my dad, meaning he's prone to praise me.
For the first few times I was driving, my dad was sitting next to me, giving me pointers and just reassuring me that I wasn't completely messing things up. It worked out pretty well. So when I finally had to drive on my own for the first time I was understandably nervous. It wasn't a short drive either: three and a half hours from one end of Estonia to the other. That did not seem like a fun endeavor but it was one I couldn't avoid. I needed to get back home to Haapsalu and go to work the next day.
My first drive alone was... relatively okay. I didn't feel comfortable and was kind of terrified most of the time but I survived. I didn't enjoy a minute of it but I managed. 'Great!' I thought, 'Now that this is over I can finally relax and get back to my life.' Except that I couldn't relax. I had a car now. And my parents lived over 300 km away. If I wanted to visit them I would have to drive. No taking the bus anymore. I would have to accept the fact that I was the not-so-proud owner of a car and I couldn't just leave it sitting around uselessly.
The first few months were pretty hard to be honest. I barely drove anywhere but since it was summer I didn't really have a reason to. I drove to see my parents maybe once or twice a month and that was basically it. I went to work on foot, went to the store on foot. My car was slowly sprouting roots... There was this weird nagging feeling in the back of my mind, like there was a certain reason I wanted to avoid driving but I just couldn't remember it.
Fast forward a few months later and I finally realized why I wanted to avoid driving. I have road rage. And I'm a pretty bad driver. Those two things don't work well together. The road rage I got from my mom. I hate it when people who drive in front of me are going slightly slower than I am. And I hate it when people are driving behind me. Like in general. They don't have to be close or anything, just the fact that I can see them from my rear view mirror pisses me off for some reason. Get off my road, you ass!
Sorry... I just can't help myself.
I hate it when people drive their tractors on the road. I hate trucks. I hate it when people go 90 km/h on the highway (which is the speed limit but... come on! Nobody drives that slow unless there's ice or snow on the road!). I hate it when people go faster than 120 km/h (What's your hurry, jerk! You're going to kill someone like that!). I despise people who tailgate! Seriously, if you are one of those people you should just not get into a car. Ever. Take a bus! And I hate it when people are afraid to drive: so what that the roads are covered in ice, we're in the middle of a snowstorm and the visibility is close to zero - that's no excuse to go under 90 km/h! Oh yeah, and I realize that I'm a hypocrite because in the beginning I was insecure and afraid but... I can't help myself. Basically, while I'm driving I hate everyone and anyone who isn't me. Road rage turns me into a terrible person and I don't really like it.What's even worse: I turn into a lunatic. I start talking to myself while driving... like a crazy person.
'What? You're really gonna cut me off here? How's it feel being a piece of trash, you bastard?! Hey, hey, you in the red Subaru, why are you going so slow?! Get off the road if you don't know how to drive! And where are you in such a hurry, Mr.Black Toyota?! You're easily going over 110! I hope a dragon eats you! Or that you get pulled over! You're gonna kill someone like that!'
That's how I sound like when I'm driving... alone. When someone is with me I do try to keep myself in check but when I'm alone I just go all out. I don't like it. I don't like the raging madwoman who I become while driving. Sure, I might not be the sweetest or kindest person even when I'm out of the car but at least I'm calm and understanding... kind of... But when I'm driving I'm just ready to see the world burn. Especially cyclists. God, how I hate cyclists! But to be fair, I hate them even when I'm not driving. They are just human garbage who do not belong on roads. Any roads. I curse the man who invented the bicycle! It is the devil's vehicle - in fact, I'm sure the road to hell is paved with and ridden by bicycles. But that's beside the point.
One thing I did discover after I'd gotten over my initial fear of driving, was that I actually enjoyed it. Sure, long drives are still annoying cause I have to sit still for three hours doing nothing productive but at the same time it gave me time to relax. I don't have to do anything (other than drive, that is) and I can just blast my music, sing along and take things slow. I don't have to worry about my job or my apartment being a mess or anything else - I'm just in my safe little driving-bubble and until I reach my destination nothing else exists but me and the open road. It is kind of therapeutic. Even with my road rage there are times I feel like I'm floating on clouds and nothing else matters. Not to mention that I love the freedom that comes with having a car. I can go wherever I want whenever I want - no more waiting for the bus or looking for a ride. I'm my own master and that feels amazing!
But...
There's always a but...
It's not all fun and games. Having a car is like having an expensive pet. You constantly need to make sure it's working properly, that everything is in it's rightful place, you can't leave it out in the cold for too long - when it's below freezing you have to drive just for the sake of driving to warm up the engine - and when you go to an unfamiliar place there's always the issue of parking: where, how and how much. But the worst part? I know this is going to sound cliche but it almost brought a tear to my eye the first time I saw it. Gas prices! Funny how I never cared about them before I became a car owner. They are horrible! Truly the worst part about owning a car! You just stand by and watch while you pour your money away. And for what? For it to be burned up in the next few weeks. Gone. Gone forever...
Sometimes I wonder if it's worth it. If I wouldn't be better off just walking everywhere or taking the bus... And then I realize that if I had to go back to the days before I had a car I would probably be pretty miserable. Once you get used to having a car you can't really go back. Oh well, I guess I'll just have to suck it up and get used to the fact that once every few weeks I throw a huge load of money into a metaphorical fire. Doesn't mean I have to like it though. In fact I feel almost physical pain every time I see my money draining away while I fill my car up with gas. Can't we just have like... solar-panel cars already?
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