Okay, so I went to Hawaii this last Christmas to visit my sister and niece, right? This was my third time to the islands and the second time to Oahu. I'd been to Hawaii twice before, to visit Mary, who used to live there with her family. Now, the first two times were absolutely awesome (and terrifying). The first time was great because it literally felt like I'd entered Paradise or some fantasy world with impossibly beautiful wildlife. The second time was wonderful because I stayed for a long time and got to know Kauai in all its glory. By the third time, however, I was kind of getting over it a bit.
See, compared to Oahu, Kauai is more rural, more natural and honestly, more beautiful. Oahu is a bit too overcrowded for my tastes. Too many tourists, too many cars, not enough parking spots... and somehow the beaches in Kauai seemed more intense. I remember having to time going into the water and diving underneath the waves because otherwise I would just get slammed. The beaches on Oahu seemed more calm in comparison. Perhaps it was the season or we just visited the wrong spots but when you see morbidly obese tourists waddling into the waves and back out again it... I dunno... spoils the fun a bit, I guess. It's less of a challenge and therefore not really worth it.
But I guess that's just me. I know a lot of people like Oahu (*imagine me sarcastically rolling my eyes here*) and it still is quite pretty... But that's not what I wanted to talk about. So, my mom and I decided that while we're in Hawaii, we should just do the most tourist-y things possible because it might be our last time there. Among those touristy things was a luau (I can almost hear Mary laughing at me right now).
A luau is basically a Hawaiian barbecue, usually held under the stars with a buffet dinner comprised of local meals and a show accompanying it. I'd heard that it was a really touristy thing that was not worth paying for but I thought that I might as well cross it off my bucket list (not that it ever was there). Worst thing happens, I hate it but I'll know for sure that I do. And I'll still be richer by experience.
We got our tickets and set out on a... Wednesday (?) evening. There were several buses that brought the participants to a private beach about a forty minute drive from Waikiki. The beginning wasn't too bad. I mean, sure, the other participants were very, very typical tourists - almost like caricatures of the main types of tourists in Hawaii. Well, whatever, so were we (probably) so it wasn't fair to judge. We got our shell leis and cocktails and watched a short 'ritual' of them getting the pork out of the ground (long story, google it or something if you're interested). And then the madness started.
First was the host who sang us some godawful song about Hawaii being a paradise island where the sun always shines and people say 'aloha' and there's coconuts everywhere. Just imagine a song made up of 99% cliches, sung by a fat middle-aged lady (probably originally from Minnesota or something) wearing a muumuu and a cheap fake lei and you get the picture. Then was the hula-competition where 4 guys were forced to wear grass skirts and coconut bras and dance to some Hawaiian tunes. It made me cringe so hard I almost popped a blood vessel. Is stuff like that really entertaining to Americans? It just looks sad and embarrassing and dated. A guy in drag hasn't been funny since the 1970s (some might argue it has never been funny)... but then again, it seems nobody gave the US the memo (you know I'm right, guys).
Things went downhill from there. See, every bus had a so-called guide who explained the routine of the luau, gave us our drink tickets and checked our reservations. They were mostly senior citizens with mobility issues. So it only made sense to drag them on the stage and force them to dance for us as well. There is really nothing sadder than watching a hunched over octogenarian with a quad-cane trying to do the hula for a bunch of starving tourists. Oh yes, because we hadn't been fed by that time. The show was a nightmare of epic proportions and I couldn't even watch it due to the cringe-levels being too high. I was honestly afraid that one of these senior citizens might break their hip while awkwardly swaying to ukulele music. At least that would have brought an end to the whole ordeal. I downed my cocktail and hoped that alcohol would soothe my pain. It didn't.
The next part of the show was... less painful. Okay, to be honest, it was even kind of fun. First we got fed and then they started the cultural programs with dancers performing traditional dances from different Polynesian islands. It was short and pandering but at least it was fun to watch and these dancers were professional so it was beautiful to look at. I think it was the only part of the show that I actually enjoyed because after it was over we were forced to suffer through another audience participation number. The dancers tried to teach us some basic hula dance moves - and by 'us' I mean all the female volunteers who ran to the stage because apparently Americans like this sort of stuff. I stayed in my seat and kept drinking, hoping the night was almost over. It wasn't. After the ladies were done with their dance, they dragged the men onstage and tried to teach them... I have no idea how these people thought this was fun. Maybe I just wasn't drunk enough...
When we were done dancing and singing and 'having a good time', it was time to go back to Waikiki. 'Finally!' I thought, feeling relieved, 'I can sit on the bus, zone off and pretend that none of this really happened. I am finally free! The worst is over!'
But it wasn't! It got so, so much worse! It was like in a horror move where the protagonist thinks the psycho killer is finally gone but then discovers he's been hiding under the bed the whole time... I thought the worst was over, I thought I was safe... and then I got into the bus. You know what's a fun thing to do in a bus? What's that? You think the answer is 'sing a kid's song together'? Then you can probably relate to our bus guide who thought the best way to kill time on our way back was to sing horrible, horrible songs in a faltering voice that sounded like a cat with lung cancer. Also, if that really was your answer then you're a horrible person who should never be allowed on a bus. Just imagine sitting in a bus filled with strangers while a feeble old man sings some horrendous coconut song (no, not the chill one - the one that's awful and you've probably never heard... pretty much he made it up himself) while trying to clap and make others join in. A few tried, mostly people sitting in the first row because they couldn't avoid eye contact with him. The song had like 12 verses... it went on forever... But I wasn't in Hell yet, oh no! We passed the gates when he started singing 'He's got the whole world in his hands...' That was the point I was ready to throw myself out of the still moving bus. I might get hurt, I might get killed but anything was better than this torture! Again, the song had at least 10 verses, all sung horribly off key by an annoying old guy who didn't know when enough was enough.
Needless to say that when we finally arrived in Waikiki I almost ran off the bus, never looking back. Had I forgotten something on there I would have just left it. No way I was ever returning to that bus or those people. So, a little word of advice to people thinking about visiting Hawaii: luau's aren't worth it. There might be some good ones out there - pretty sure the Hilton one would have been better - but if you're unsure whether to do it or not then just don't. You don't need that kind of horror in your life. Just go to the beach or something - you'll live longer.
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