...I tried to explain Eurovision

Ah, it's that time of the year again (or it was)! The time of the year when all of Europe (and Azerbaijan, Armenia and Australia????) comes together and sings in a beautiful festival celebrating the unity of all the people in Europe. Or, to be more accurate, it's the time of year when we all try to pretend we don't hate each other and that all the wars, genocides and other horrible things haven't happened (unless you're Ukraine). No, but for real though. If you ask any European during any other time of the year they will tell you how much they hate the citizens of their neighbouring country (maybe not hate hate but strongly dislike) but during Eurovision we're all such good friends. 

Living in Europe you grow up with Eurovision and it becomes a natural part of your life. Even if you don't follow it you still hear people talking about it, see it in the news or read about it in the papers. It is almost impossible to avoid it completely - believe me, I've tried. There was a time I hated Eurovision because it seemed completely pointless and boring and for a while it really was because we all knew which countries would vote for which songs. Germany giving 12 points to Turkey? What a surprise. Serbia voting for Montenegro? Who could have seen that coming. Russia getting points from every single Eastern European country? Shocking! Everybody knew what was coming but we were still watching it, even if we pretty much knew the outcome of the show. 

Now, when I went to study in Japan I pretty much expected to miss Eurovision entirely and I was okay with that. However, since there were so many other Europeans (and by 'many' I really mean 'a handful') in the building, we decided to make a night out of it. Besides, it was the perfect chance to introduce a bit of European culture to our American friends. First, however, we had to get them on board with it. We tried to prep them for what they were in for.

'Well, there's this singing competition we have in Europe... except that it's not only about singing...' we tried to explain.

'So, is it like a political thing?' the Americans asked.

'No! Well, a little bit. Well, yeah, but you can't be political... like your song can't have a political message.'

'So it's all about the songs?'

'Uh, not really... We just... every country chooses a song to represent them and then we compete in a very friendly manner.'

'Okay. And the best song wins?'

'Hahahahahahahahahahahaaa! No.'

'The best... singer wins?'

'Nope. Not at all.'

'Then... who wins?'

'The song that gets the most votes, of course.'

'So it should be the best song, right?'

'That's such a... sweetly naive way of looking at things...'

'Hey, I've heard it's like 'The Voice' but with European countries competing with each other!'

'Hahahahaha. No. Nothing like that. At least the contestants in 'The Voice' can usually sing.'

'So.... you don't have to know how to sing to compete?'

'Not really.'

'Then... what do you need to do to win?'

Good question, that one. Sometimes you need to wow people with glitter and gold, literally (looking at you, Azerbaijan). Sometimes you need to shock people with crazy costumes (I think we all know what I'm talking about here). Most of the time you need to be Swedish. It really helps if you're a minority singing about being a minority. You guys remember when Serbia won the Eurovision? Do you actually remember the song? Yeah, me neither. But we all know why it won. To be fair, it was right after Montenegro broke up with Serbia and I guess Serbia really needed the confidence boost (although lord knows the song was barely there). And hey, sometimes you just need to go all out and just dazzle people with... well, everything. People won't notice your song sucks when you throw snow, a priceless violin and an olympic skater at them. It helps to set things on fire. 

So, after describing the main... point... of Eurovision (pretty sure it was still a bit murky for them) we decided to show them a few of the past winners of Eurovision. After showing them several videos from the past years we were met with horrified stares and a lot of questions.

'What.... what even is this?'

'Why did this... shit win?'

'Is that a man or a woman?'

'Why is there a stuffed chicken on the stage?'

'What is going on here?!'

'Why is Australia participating again?'

Okay, they weren't really getting it but we still managed to get a few them on board. Some of them were even cautiously optimistic. Others... not so much. We thought we could make a drinking game out of it - take a shot every time a song is about love - but then decided against it because we realised we'd be passed out before half of the songs were finished. Still, before the show started we had to supply the Americans with alcohol because there was no way they'd be able to get through it sober. The Europeans were fine - we were used to the madness.

So, how did it go? Honestly... it was one of the most hilarious Eurovision grand finals I've ever sat through just because one of our American friends tried to apply logic to the show and it was like watching someone try to carry water with a sieve.

'They can't even sing! They. Can't. Sing. Why are they even here?! How did they make it to the final?!' 

'I told you, this is not about singing-'

'Eurovision SONG contest! What else is it about?!'

'Well...'

'This is shit! Pure shit! This is not even singing!'

'That's a bit harsh...'

'What the hell is this?! Why is there a guy in a dress on the stage?! This can't be real!!!'

'Hey, don't hate on Conchita. She's fabulous.'

'Why is this song winning?! This is shit!!! It isn't even a good song! He can't even sing! WHY IS IT WINNING?!'

Because of Eurovision. This is just how it works: you throw a proud minority into the bunch and you're bound to succeed. I honestly thought our American friend would pop a blood vessel in the end of the competition, especially after Conchita won. Sure, he had a point when he said that the only reason Austria won was because they sent a trans-person to the competition. It was memorable. It was different. And that's what Eurovision is all about. No matter how, you need to make people remember you. Otherwise they won't remember to vote for you. 

Can't say our 'cultural exchange' night was a great success. We managed to make at least one American hate Eurovision. It wasn't our goal but hey, sometimes things just happen. I have a feeling he might change his mind, however. Eurovision is like deep fried oreo's - so bad for you and you hate it but secretly you yearn for it because on some deep subconscious level you hate yourself and want to suffer....... But maybe that's just me...