I have never been and will probably never be a very social person. I don’t like… people… I don’t like talking to them, I don’t like being near them, I don’t like it when they take an interest in me… Or so I thought. See, lately I’ve come to realise I’m starting to develop a… social life of some sort…?
It shouldn't be anything new to me. I used to have a social life. Back in the good old days. When I was still young. And living in Japan. I had an amazing social life in Japan… but that was a whole other matter entirely. You’re always a different person when your in another country. God knows Japan-Grete and Estonia-Grete are two completely separate entities and if they would ever meet in real life they probably wouldn’t even get along. In this blog I’ve mostly told stories about Japan-Grete who is a fun-loving, carefree, dimwitted but good-natured oddball who just likes to have fun (and has occasional bouts of rage). But let me tell you a bit about Estonia-Grete.
See, Estonia-Grete is a misanthrope. Yeah, that’s the best (and the polite) way of putting it. Estonia-Grete is a solitary creature that prefers to make its home somewhere on the edges of a human settlement. There she will find an unoccupied apartment that she could turn into a dark, dank cave where she will stay undisturbed by outsiders. She will spend at least 75% of her time in that cave and will emerge only to hunt for food or do human things like… work… Estonia-Grete is quite territorial and paranoid, not letting any outsiders into her domain. If anyone tries to bait her out of her cave she will see the person as a predator and try to confuse them with barely believable excuses and retreat into the farthest corner of her cave where she will camouflage herself to look like a blanket. Needless to say Estonia-Grete doesn’t get out much… and that’s how she likes it.
Things are… slowly changing, however. Maybe it’s my age creeping up on me but lately I’ve started to… actually enjoy hanging out with people? Yeah, I know - crazy, isn’t it? I kind of have a social life now. Kind of… almost… I mean, it’s not a very active social life but… it exists. I’m not sure if it’s a good thing or a bad thing but it’s… a thing. Yeah… It definitely is a thing. No, this is not me bragging about my social life - it still barely exists - this is me being confused by these new unexplained feelings. Suddenly I feel like… I want to hang out with people…? And that is just weird to me.
I’m visiting old friends, I’m reaching out to people I’ve lost contact with, I’m going to the movies with my coworkers… It’s almost as if I want to be around people. Maybe it really is my age creeping up on me. I mean, nobody wants to die alone and unloved so I guess this is me making sure there will be someone to carry my coffin. Not that I think about dying or plan to do it anytime soon but truth is I’m not getting any younger and one of these days my heart (or the black hole that’s in the spot where my heart should be) will stop pumping coffee through my veins and I will perish. What’s that? You say people have ‘blood’ in their veins? Yeah, that just sounds crazy!
In any case, everyone that knows me is as surprised by my gradual change as I am. Whenever I decide to go somewhere with them or hang out the first thing they say is:
‘Wow, I didn’t think you’d show up!’
‘Yeah, I didn’t think I would either…’
And whenever I call a friend I haven’t spoken to in a long time, they freak out, convinced the world is ending.
‘Hey, I’m just calling to-‘
‘OHMYGOD! What’s wrong?! What happened?! Are you okay?!’
‘Uh… yeah… I’m fine. I just wanted to talk.’
‘Okay, I’m here for you! Just calm down and tell me what happened! You know you can talk to me about anything!’
‘Umm… Yeah… Honestly, I’m fine! We just haven’t talked in a while and I wanted to know what you’re up to.’
‘Are you dying?’
‘No…? Not that I know of. Really, I just wanted to talk. Nothing is wrong!’
‘Is it drugs? Are you on drugs?! I told you: coffee is a gateway drug! You should have just stayed away from it! The devil’s nectar!!!’
‘What…? Are you on drugs?’
Okay, maybe I made up that last part but that’s basically the reaction I get every time I’m the first one to reach out to someone. If I write after a long time my friends think I’m going through something terrible. If I call… well, then they’re ready to get out the crucifix and holy water because I’ve obviously been possessed by a strangely social demon who probably felt sorry for my lack of social life and decided to ‘fix’ the situation. I don’t need your help, demon! I am just fine living alone in my dark cave! I love my cave! It makes me feel like batwoman (can you believe that my asshole chauvinist computer just tried to autocorrect ‘batwoman’ to ‘batman’?! That’s so sexist of you, computer!) except that I’m less of an awesome superhero that kicks ass and saves the day and more of an actual bat… living in quiet dark place, sleeping during the day and drinking blood to survive… I mean… just ignore that last part.
So, my point. I’m sure I had a point when I started writing this thing… I guess my point is that I’ve actually started to kind of almost… like people now. Maybe it’s the job. I work with people day after day after day and maybe I’ve just gotten used to being around them. Maybe this is what happens to everyone when they get older. Or maybe Japan-Grete and Estonia-Grete aren’t as different after all. All in all, if anyone reading this finds a message from me in the days to come, don’t freak out. I’m not dying, I’m not possessed, I’m not drunk (*I might be slightly drunk but probably not) - I just realised there’s a part of me that wants to socialise because it’s a natural human thing to do and at least a part of me is human.
So yeah, lately I’ve been finding myself hanging out with colleagues after work, writing to old friends and even visiting them. In Helsinki! You might think this is normal human behaviour and nothing to boast about but keep in mind this is me we’re talking about. I rarely do anything that causes even the slightest discomfort to my own person and traveling is all about discomfort. I have never met a person who truly likes traveling - and I mean the process of traveling. See, I love traveling but I love the part about being in another country, seeing new things, experiencing a different culture. I hate the part where I wait in line with a heavy bag on one shoulder, a purse on the other, a wallet, my ID and my ticket in my hands while I slowly shuffle along towards the security gates. I don’t know anyone who actually likes the ‘travel’ part of traveling. But I’m getting off topic here.
Maybe this is a phase and I’ll return to my usual misanthropic self when the first leaves begin to change colour and the swallows fly south… But for now I’m just going to roll with this newfound un-antisocial (yes, I know I could just say ‘social’ but that’s not a word I would use to describe myself so just deal with this perversion of word) person that resides in my body. It'll be hard but I think I can make it work... at least for a while. Come winter I will retreat back to my cave... at least I think I will. It wouldn't be Estonian of me to have a social life in winter.
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